While my schedule is cleared and the time set aside to paint, I still have trouble getting into the studio when the hour comes and focusing on art when I am there. As my Happy Cricket would say, "something is blocking me" from it. Yet it's not so much that something is blocking me as it is someone - myself.
I am engaged in what I am dubbing "The Internal Mom Wars". Rationally I know my children are more than capable of handling my painting for an hour a day. I can understand the need to take care of the caretaker in the family. I can feel the sense of renewal I get when I allow myself the time to paint.
And yet . . . I hesitate. The question is, why?
The answer is quite simple; I need to let go. When there is someone there to say "I've got the kids and the house, go ahead," there's no problem. I can easily pull that switch from mom to artist. But when I'm alone?
It becomes a type of meditation or exercise in mindfulness. I need to turn my brain off to cooking meals, cleaning the house, homeschooling 2 kids, looking after my husband, and pulling it all together. With my brain cleared, I need to allow myself time in my Painter's Space - a place where nothing really exists except me and the painting I am making. Yes, the emergency filter stays on for the accidents that tend to happen the minute I try to put my attention elsewhere and the arguments that really do have to be mediated immediately. But I'm working on that mindfulness to allow myself the space just for painting.
In one of my favorite movies, The King's Speech, Lionel (Geoffrey Rush) says to King George VI (Colin Firth), "Turn the hesitations into pauses and say to yourself 'God save the King'". To which King George replies, "I say that continuously. Apparently no one's listening."
So I'm not going to hesitate. I'm going to pause and say to myself, "You're a good mom AND an artist. It can all wait for this hour." And I'm going to listen.
I am engaged in what I am dubbing "The Internal Mom Wars". Rationally I know my children are more than capable of handling my painting for an hour a day. I can understand the need to take care of the caretaker in the family. I can feel the sense of renewal I get when I allow myself the time to paint.
And yet . . . I hesitate. The question is, why?
The answer is quite simple; I need to let go. When there is someone there to say "I've got the kids and the house, go ahead," there's no problem. I can easily pull that switch from mom to artist. But when I'm alone?
It becomes a type of meditation or exercise in mindfulness. I need to turn my brain off to cooking meals, cleaning the house, homeschooling 2 kids, looking after my husband, and pulling it all together. With my brain cleared, I need to allow myself time in my Painter's Space - a place where nothing really exists except me and the painting I am making. Yes, the emergency filter stays on for the accidents that tend to happen the minute I try to put my attention elsewhere and the arguments that really do have to be mediated immediately. But I'm working on that mindfulness to allow myself the space just for painting.
In one of my favorite movies, The King's Speech, Lionel (Geoffrey Rush) says to King George VI (Colin Firth), "Turn the hesitations into pauses and say to yourself 'God save the King'". To which King George replies, "I say that continuously. Apparently no one's listening."
So I'm not going to hesitate. I'm going to pause and say to myself, "You're a good mom AND an artist. It can all wait for this hour." And I'm going to listen.
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